The Lawyer

 

So my latest match was with a corporate Lawyer. My initial reaction was that his profession meant he would be arrogant and a narcissist. I have seen enough seasons of suits to know what a cut throat world he must live in.

 

 

It all seemed too good to be true. He was from Canada, his family lived in California and he lives in a pent house in a very hip part of the city. The more I heard the more I was convinced he was a catfish- but he was actually a shark.

 

I matched with him on the day I already had a 3rd date lined up with Mr Greek Vet. He refused to accept that I would choose a vet over a date with him and insisted I ditched the vet and saw him instead. He then continued to text me throughout my date saying the offer was open to bail at any time and meet with him instead. Rude and when it didn’t work this only seemed to encourage him.

 

I awoke to a text asking how the date had gone, I explained that the vet was hot, kind and lovely but moving abroad. To which he replied that he was hotter, earnt more money and wasn’t going anywhere- and did he mention he owned a pent house- (only about 6 times already!)

 

My curiosity peaked when he told me about his family’s house in upstate New York and how beautiful it was in the fall. So I agreed to meet but on my terms for a coffee. He pushed for a meeting at his penthouse but my imagination ran wild about Mr Grey style red room possibly filled with vanity mirrors dates of tinder past so I declined.

 

Just as I was getting ready to go and meet him he cancelled – because he had to help out his disabled neighbor- the trump card of excuses and one that only made me question his authenticity even more.

 

That evening I went out for drinks with a friend and after a bottle of vino we got talking about recent dates. You guessed it- turns out she had dated the lawyer and slept with him and then been ditched. She confirmed he was indeed Canadian and did have family in Cali and a pent house- although she admitted it was a disappointment LOL.

 

Naturally I asked the lawyer about this- at first he denied all knowledge of her and then after I said I wasn’t interested- insisted that he thought I actually was and we should still meet. It took 7 messages to convince him and his ego that I really wasn’t interested and that money doesn’t impress me and arrogance is a huge turn off. He was shocked and then blocked me. Such a shame LOL.

 

I am sure he will find his perfect match but he won’t find it on tinder- instead he should try his bathroom as I am fairly sure there is a reflection in there of the perfect man for him!

Date #12 The Greek Vet

Screen Shot 2017-03-30 at 20.17.18Who on earth arranges a date at 11am on a Thursday? This is what I was asking myself as I lay in bed willing myself to get up!

Apparently I do…It seemed a good idea at the time. He was a vet, 28, pretty hot, from Greece and did I mention a vet?

I was going away, he only has Thursdays off, so coffee seemed the only option.

I soon discovered that he was from an area of my city I am less than a fan of, but also found out that he was moved- relief. This is part of the reason I am probably single. I am not a fan of dating outside my postcode. I mean I would date outside my city..but in the city I live in the nicest area..I figure that by the time you are 30 you are pretty much living in a an area of your choosing. So where you live says a lot about you. Even if you are not- that says a lot in itself. Yes, yes I am basically a massive snob.

Anyway, he arrived and first impressions were good. He had beautiful eyes ( I am a sucker for eyes) his English was pretty good but then came the greeting.

I am never sure of the first date etiquette- often I just say hi and avoid it entirely but he came over to me so I went to shake his hand as he went in for a cheek kiss. Awkward! Then I pulled away and he went in for the other cheek- argh!

So having established myself as a total idiot I sat down and the old ‘so what do you do and where are you from chat started’.

He had an interesting story. Apparently Greece still have a National Service so he did that for a year and then decided to persue being a vet after being punished all the time for feeding the left over food to stray dogs. Yes he collected food to feed street dogs- he had me over a barrel.

He then told me about his volunteer work in Guatemala with monkeys and donkeys and all manner of animals and how he had plans to go to Hawaii next year to help the sea turtles.

Not only did my career seem immoral and futile in comparison, he didn’t own a TV nor watched TV so no chance of discussion about guilty pleasure box sets!

Then he dropped the bombshell that he was quitting his job here in September and moving back to Greece before travelling to Hawaii.

Sigh, so typical. You find one that’s good and they are skipping country on you!

Regardless it was a lovely date and he was sweet. He very cutely ended our date by asking me if I was really 35 as I really didn’t seem it. Not sure if I seemed that immature or he was commenting on my youthful appearance but I chose to believe the latter!

Date #11- Cornish Steve

17435896_10158394310910597_2662910822831645881_oSo I failed at 24 dates before 35. It seems that getting a date- and by date I mean meeting a man for a drink or food and a chat rather than just a hook up- is harder than you might think.

 

I seem to have acquired many whatapp penfriends who simply seem to just chat but mention the D word and they freak out.

 

Or, I have had plenty of offers of booty calls- usually with around 25 mins notice and at 11pm at night- from horny 20somethings.

 

However, the date remains elusive and rare and I have to stalk it like David Bellamy in the undergrowth ( this reference will be lost to many!)

 

Yet I shall persist. I have met enough people who have found loves of their lives through this impersonal and judgmental app- in fact I have been to two weddings and met two tinder babies- so there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel- or its just a reflection of my torch on a dustbin lid at the end of a dead end street- who knows!

 

So my 35th birthday was spent with my nearest and dearest friends in the beautiful St Ives. It was the first birthday in 3 years where I did not cry over he who shall not be named- so progress was made.

 

I did also set up a date- with Cornish Steve. Again this is a reference lost on many but essentially he was a guy who looked like another guy I nearly dated called Steve- except this one lived in cornwall and wasn’t called Steve- look it made sense at the time ok!

 

So Cornish Steve was beautiful. Tanned, bright eyed and bushy tailed and a surfer. He grew up in St Ives, my favourite place in the world and ran a BnB – bonus, free accommodation anyone??

 

However, he was a slippery fellow. He wanted to meet when my friends were about so putting sisters before misters- yeah I can’t pull the finger wag off- I turned him down and suggest we meet a couple of days later when I would be on my own.

 

The time came and I called up the date- but he declined, too hungover allegedly. So we postponed to another day- which never came. The texts continued but Cornish Steve was no where to be seen.

 

To check he was real my friend who joined me later in the week did the obvious thing- we stalked him. Come on don’t judge you all know you would do it.

 

We knew he worked in a bar so we conveniently passed the bar walking the dog to spot him- once again I refer to the David Bellamy likeness!! To put this sorry state of affairs- this consisted of two 30somethings who should know better, walking past a bar, peering in and then when he looked our way shrieking and running off. We could only hope he had no idea!

You would think this may be why he didn’t wish to meet but he didn’t seem to have put two and two together- I can only assume he couldn’t imagine a 35 year old would act in such a way and we must have been other childish tourists.

 

So my birthday came and my friend left early so there was time for a coffee before I left. He had agreed the previous night to meet, admitting he had been a wuss to not meet up before.

 

So I waited and wait….and waited. No text came, then when it did, no suggestion of a meet was mentioned. Not wanting to look any more of a plonker than I already had I took the hint and left. No date.

 

Since then we have whatsapped nearly every day- because, as it seems most men are on these sites, he is too scared to turn me from text to real life person.

 

So the quest continues…

Dates #9 and #10-The stand-ups​ (but not comedians)

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So I am currently sick..the joys of tonsillitis. I am bed bound and feeling sorry for myself and extremely flipping bored. I am not a good patient. Most people would relish the opportunity to stay in bed and watch movies all day. For me, it drives me mad, too much time to think.

Anyway, after rinsing the entire last series of Girls and drinking about a litre of lucozade I decided to have a little look on my internet dating apps. I mean playing a little hot or not may pass the time and I have hit a wall with dates lately- more on that later.

The first match I got- invited me to his hotel room instantly and said he was only in the vicinity for a night. When I pointed out I was bed ridden and had tonsillitis, he kindly said it was fine as he had his tonsils out as a kid and I could spit not swallow…and there it is Tinder folks. In one beautifully unromantic message.   Who said romance was dead!

This is an issue I keep having. Guys just want to hook up on these apps. So getting them to go on a date is almost impossible.

Or you get the ones who do agree to date but they are just out of a relationship and freak the hell out. Case in point Fridays’s date- 26 year old teacher. Seemed cute. Said he was into musical theatre and Disney (at this point I did wonder if he was actually on the wrong app!) but seemed fun. So I got ready, and just as I was about to leave the house- like the tablet of terror my phone beeped. A message from the teacher to say he had been stressing about our date all day as he was fresh out of a relationship and couldn’t do it and didn’t want to mess me around.

I actually felt for him, I mean we all know how painful a broken heart is. So I was kind and said not to worry and put my PJs on. Then he messages saying ‘ oh but if you want to meet and have some fun let me know’..sigh..not that broken hearted then!

A similar thing happened a few weeks ago when a guy whom actually stood me up last time I went on tinder re-matched with me. I swiped yes just to see what he would do. He apologized, said he was in a bad place but also offered that it was no excuse for being a dick and could he make it up to me with dinner. Not one to turn down free food I agreed. We exchanged numbers again and around came the date. An hour before we were due to meet- same message’ sorry I can’t do this- I am just not looking for anything serious’. I mean- that’s fine but a) don’t invite ME to dinner then and b)its dinner not a flipping wedding rehearsal!

So there we are, here is hoping at some point I may actually go on another date but in the meantime. It’s back to Netflix and chilling alone for me.

Date #8- The Knight

So yesterday was valentines day. The day that all smug couples insist on saying they ‘don’t do’ and means nothing yet still insist on facebooking about their beautiful flowers and chocolates and going out to flaunt their cosy coupledom to the rest of us who are passing the restaurant window with a shopping bag containing a microwave meal for one and a bottle of merlot.

So to combat the bitter blues I decided to go on a date. If you can’t beat them join them. I got swiping and matched with awannabe Director who spends a lot of time being a background artist in dramas like Merlin, Sherlock and  Dr Who. He wasn’t my type but I figured we had a lot in common and he spends time being a knight so maybe he could be my knight in shining armour-so why not see what happens.

He arrived and immediately excused himself to the bathroom. I was hoping it wasn’t to reapply any make up! When he came back he ordered an almond milk hot chocolate. This was my first alarm. He doesn’t drink tea or coffee but he does drink milk from nuts- hipster alert. I amused myself by imagining a tiny dairy farm where almonds where hooked up to machines being milked…I realised how insane this was and then snapped back to the date.

We chatted about ..well him. My biggest flaw in dating is talking too much. Anyone who knows me knows I talk a lot and I talk fast and when I am nervous it gets worse. I hate awkward silences and usually fill them with oversharing. I have been known to discuss losing my virginity on voicemail to my sister, waking up after a very drunken one night stand with more than just freshly shaved legs and the cost of my fake boobs—all over the first awkward drink!

However, this date didn’t let me get a word in edgeways. After he had told me all about set design, camera techniques, his film he was currently shooting and an anecdote about being dressed as a knight in Merlin and coming across a kid in the forest bathroom who was stunned to see knights are real. He excused himself to the bathroom, again. Maybe to breathe!

On his return I tried to make conversation about Harley as he was there as my furry wingman. He looked deathly bored and commented on how cats are better and then moved on to talking about how he has lived in Australia, Italy and how dull all his Tinder dates so far have been as the girls have no imagination.

When I enquired what he meant he explained how he wants to shake people and tell them there is a whole world out there and they are happy in their little lives doing admin jobs and hanging out with the same mates they have had since school. I resisted the urge to respond with the fact this judgment was coming from a grown man who dresses as a knight, drinks fake milk and currently works in a cinema to make ends meet.

However, I must admit I sort of respected him for his choices- not the milk!- but he gave up a well paid job in London to move back west and start afresh. He wasn’t afraid to take a student job that allowed him the time to dedicate to his vision- his movie. His dreams to make it to being a big time Director may or may not be realised but his commitment to making it happen couldn’t be denied. Unlike many, he can at least say he tried. So respect.

After a 3rd bathroom trip I started to become concerned he either had the bladder of a mouse or was suffering from some kind of food poisoning!

An hour had now passed and he hadn’t asked a single question about what I do, what I like or even where I had been or what I had done. In short, I wondered who he thought he was on a date with as he still wouldn’t have a clue.

Despite this he seemed keen to extend the date and go for a walk- which I declined- there was an awkward moment of do we hug, shake hands kiss or simply walk away. I chose hug and breathed a sigh of relief as I walked home. I felt like I had seen a client not had a date. Which would be fine if he was paying me by the hour to listen!

By the time I got home he had messaged asking for a second date. I was frankly surprised and politely declined. I hope he achieves his film and his commitment pays off..I also hope he see’s a doctor for his bladder issues!

Date #7 the ghost

So this evening I was supposed to go on a date with number seven Mr Healthcare. This was a reluctant date as I had already matched with this guy a month or so ago and he had ghosted me.

For those unfamiliar with ghosting its essentially where you match with someone, start chatting- often even go on a date- and then they disappear without explanation. They simply stop responding to texts, calls or any form of communication- as if they never existed. I always imagine they put on a sheet like a Scooby Doo bad guy and when they get busted exclaim ‘if it weren’t for that pesky social media’.

So this guy agreed to meet for a date just before Christmas. The day before he confirmed the place but not the time. Then on the day of the date..I enquired what time he wanted to meet and nothing- he simply disappeared.

So when we matched this time I confronted him straight off asking why he did it. He was busted.

With only an explanation of being hectic at the time and it being no excuse to be such a dick and treat me badly- he offered to make it up to me by buying me dinner if I would let him. Reluctantly I agreed- I mean we never know what people are going through behind closed doors.

So we agreed to meet the next day and we once again swapped numbers.

So I got ready today, was just drying my hair and bing- like the tablet of terror my phone lit up with a message saying ‘sorry I think we should cancel, I am just not looking for anything serious’. We were going for food! On a first date- I mean I wasn’t dragging him down the aisle. Also, why even set up the date.

I understand some guys are on tinder for the hook ups- that’s fine, but be upfront about it. Do not suggest to buy someone dinner to apologise for standing them up last time only to do it again.

In reality he wasn’t that hot and I frankly welcomed the excuse to spend the afternoon on the sofa. However, this is not the first time it’s happened and it’s unlikely to be the last but it does make me a little sad as it reminds me of the shallowness of internet dating. People stop being people and become profiles that are easy to delete and dismiss forgetting there is a human being with feelings on the other end. It takes the humanity out of dating.

However, it is what it is so the show must go on….

Date #6 – The Pilot

 

So it’s been a bit of a while since I last wrote about any dating.

Namely because it has been impossible to actually get a date. It seems that the January sea of men on dating sites has dried up and now its back swimming in the puddle of singledom whilst trying to avoid the piranhas.

I also had a slight set back with he who shan’t be named after doing the one thing you should never do- stalking your ex’s facebook page. I mean why do we do it. No good can come from it.

Yet just like a child who was told not to touch the cake until the grown up had come back in the room, my inner child immediately picked up the cake and scoffed it so fast then tried to blame the dog, until I was sick and then the horrible truth was revealed. I have no willpower.

The ridiculous thing is I am aware of just how much of a lie social edia is. We all post happy smiling pictures of ourselves having a wonderful time in an attempt to convince everyone- and maybe ourselves- that we are not in fact spending Friday night in our faded Christmas pajamas watching re-runs of friends and eating last nights leftovers alone with a bottle of merlot and lonely heart…or maybe that’s just me!

So anyway, back on the positive note. I did finally, get a date, with a Pilot no less. Another toyboy- 25 (what can I say, I am officially becoming a cougar).

I immediately had visions of Tom Cruise in Top Gun. Ok so he was a fighter Pilot but surely apples are apples, planes are planes right? Hmm maybe not.

He arrived and was sweet. More Tom Cruise in Risky Business than Top Gun but floppy hair and a kind smile. I put aside my initial and very shallow concerns about the distinct lack of physique as he seemed so innocent that frankly, I think I would break him.

This guy was training to switch from private jets to commercial. An odd transition I felt, but once I dug a little deeper he was compelled like most men to want to play with bigger shinier toys with more buttons.

I found the process of learning to fly a plane quite a fascinating subject. I mean learning to drive a car was hard enough and I didn’t have 100 odd passengers in the back seat seriously hoping my decisions didn’t end their lives there and then. Although to be honest I am fairly sure my Dads various screams and profanities whilst I was practicing parking were probably equal to that of most passengers as they spiral out of the sky to their doom.

As the conversation continued and we switched from coffee to wine, I did my fateful dive into talking about the brain. Not sure if I mentioned but I am a Hypnotherapist in my spare time and work in TV the rest of the time.

You would imagine most people would be fascinated by the TV side of things, but no, they always want to ask about Hypnosis and then I always end up having to explain how it works and how it helps my clients.

This means a mini tour around the pre-frontal cortex, anterior cingulate and amygdala. Are you still with me? No , neither are half my dates if I tread down this fateful path. Actually all they want to hear is yes everyone is susceptible and yes if I wanted to I could make you cluck like a chicken right now ( I couldn’t).

Hearing the alarm bells ringing as I wittered on about the consequences of him worrying about flying whilst having a shower (only my hypnotherapy friends will understand that reference!) I quickly changed the subject and moved on to movies.

I decided to keep it in context and mentioned I had seen Sully, as had he and we found mutual ground on what a great movie it is. He then moved on to mention Flight, and how Denzel Washington was a hero of his. In this particular movie- for those who haven’t seen it- he plays a Pilot who is also an alcoholic and drug addict. Apparently, this is not uncommon in the pilot world and as if I didn’t fear for my life before on planes, now I will be taking on board a breathaliser and requesting a cock pit visit before I agree to fasten my seatbelt!

So the date came to an end and if I am honest, I was a little relieved. I was all talked out on flying and it seems we had little else in common. Once he had revealed he had just bought a flat in an area which is known for drug addicts and prostitutes ( of course it was help to buy- surprised they didn’t pay HIM to live there!) I decided this was going no where.

However, you never know when you may need a man who can fly a plane- specifically in a zombie apocalypse scenario- so I may just keep him in the phone book;)

p.s if you ar reading this please subscribe to my blog as frankly I am lazy and cannot be bothered to tell people when th enext installment is up!

Devon Heaven

I am currently watching the sun set over the Devonshire hills. A beautiful sight and one I never tire of.

I find so much beauty in the countryside at this time of year, from frosty mornings to winter sunsets and starry nights.

I came here to do some soul searching. My new year has not started well. Losing my job, being told I need to leave my flat and various health issues to add the stress of tests and hospitals into the mix.

However, after a few days of freaking out about my unemployment, I realised I have a month paid so rather than simply sit at home and stress, I should see it as a 4 week holiday- after all, there will be much more motivation to find work once I am no longer being paid to watch daytime TV and roadtrip to the countryside.

After 24 hours of trying to settle in- I am no good at this, as soon as I arrive anywhere I panic about being alone, of getting bored, of being in strange surroundings. However, I always wake up and something clicks.

However, I was hoping to add another date to my blog but if I thought the dating pool was shallow in Bristol, my god in Devon it’s a puddle!

I did have one visitor, whose identity I will not reveal but needless to say it was a pleasant – although strangely secretive- experience. He isn’t married or in a relationship- simply didn’t want to get caught out throwing a sickie to come and visit a random girl down in Devon.

Being younger I will admit I was intimidated. I have been dubbed a cougar by some – a title I find slightly insulting but undeniable!

Dating younger men is not for the faint hearted. As if I wasn’t already body conscious ( I am pretty pale and although not overweight I would say I am definately curvy not skinny- a flat stomach is not something I have ever had nor will ever have the determination to get)

Getting naked in-front of someone used to seeing toned and fake tanned 20 somethings takes a level of either sheer confidence, total stupidity or a bucket of wine- and as per above, I am not confident so wine it is! Hello Merlot.

Another issue with sleeping with younger men is the porn they watch and take as a guide to the modern mans karma sutra. If any men are reading this and think a) any woman enjoys having you jizz in her face b) any woman will scream and moan at the slightest touch or b) wants to be treated like a cow undergoing an internal examination…then please please for all woman kind sake- watch a bloody rom com.

Now I am not saying I want some wet Hugh Grant type to woo me into bed with a flick of his floppy fringe for a forgettable fumble. But neither do I want my legs forced over my head in some boob crushing manouvre that ends with being rammed like a power drill, I mean no woman enjoys being repeatedly punched int he face by her own knees–no they really don’t.

So I was pleasantly surprised when this particular encounter turned out to be the icing on the cake to heaven in Devon. I am not going to get into sordid details, but this guy certainly knew his stuff.

The following morning, I watched him re-dress into his work clothes when he left so no one would suspect a thing, he did comment that it felt like an affair. Which is sort of did in a good way as no-one was being hurt but the spontaneity and brevity brought with it a certain kind of special that stayed with me after our 24 hours was up. I was genuinely sad to see him go but at the same time, it was perfect.

So I am sorry to say that there are no new dates to add as of yet. Drinking wine whilst watching Donald Trump get sworn in was about as dramatic as it’s gotten. And that was less a dream date and more a terrible nightmare!

Tomorrow I must return to reality and the city. So who knows, date number 6 may be just around the corner.

Date #5- 50 shades of red

My latest date was with a DOP. For those who are unfamiliar with media lingo that stands for Director of Photography ( basically a fancy name for a Cameraman who also directs) .

He was younger- of course! My Military man experience has put me off the older men for a bit.

Any man who has a creative passion or skill has the ability to impress me. If you can draw, take photos, play the guitar..basically create anything beautiful or original, I am already one foot in. So this guy had a head start.

However, of course things never go quite to plan. We had decided to meet for a drink and cinema as both of us had been burning the candle at both ends and a booze fuelled date was not appealing. The trouble with this decision is of course- what to watch. Now I am quite fussy when it comes to films I watch A LOT of movies but I hate sitting through ones I have zero interest in, even less so when I’ve paid for the privilege.

So I suggested we watch Passengers- a mindless Sci –Fi Thriller and if its awful, he has Jennifer Lawrence to perve on and Chris Pratt can save it for me- I mean win win!

He rebutted this choice with Star Wars Rogue One. Now I have no idea why I have such an aversion to Star Wars as I am a huge Sci Fi and Super Hero movie fan. Yet something about Star Wars bores me to death. I have tried and failed to like any of them. So I politely replied that I would rather sick forks in my eyes than watch that movie- an appropriate level of drama to convey how much I do no wish to pay to watch it.

After complaining how many bad reviews Passengers had gotten he agreed that we could watch it- I think good old Jen won it for me.

So I arrived outside the cinema and saw a smartly dressed guy shuffling and looking around expecting someone. He looked different to his pictures but with Tinder you just can’t tell.

I approached him and introduced myself, he looked slightly taken aback and said it was lovely to meet me, gave me a hug and then asked awkwardly ‘ if I was Kez’s mate’ – now my flatmate happens to be called Kez, but I do not recall mentioning her! I replied agreeing that yes I knew Kez and he looked relieved and smiled saying he thought he recognized me from way back.

When I suggested we should go get tickets he said shouldn’t we wait for the others—the others?? Ok was this some kind of threesome date I was unaware of.

Then I asked his name- yep you guessed it- he was totally the wrong guy. He was in fact waiting for another girl and her mates for a double date. AWKWARD!

I scurried inside red faced only to accosted by my actual date who had witnessed the whole event. Needless to say he thought it was hilarious and let it all play out. Git!

We went to book tickets only to be told that Passengers had almost sold out and would we like to sit apart but on the same row. Yes that’s right, the film that’s sooo awful was in fact so popular there were only single seats left but oh wait loads of tickets left for Star Wars.

After a mini debate in front of the staff whereby I almost did an air punch for being right about how good the film probably was- not that we’d ever know now- we agreed to call it quits and grab a drink.

I was immediately drawn into this guys ego. He was cheeky, cocky but hot and funny. A lethal combination. He informed me I was far too stubborn for us ever to be a match and I was an oversharer and outspoken. This guy had me nailed.

A bottle of wine down and he went in for the kiss. Damn it he was a great kisser too. I was screwed.

We realised that the pub had become oddly quiet and that in fact we were the only people left and the staff had simply left us to carry on the date whilst they had a drink at the bar. Very sweet, we thanked them and left.

After an on-going debate down the road about he absolutely was not coming back to mine as I had principles, he saw me to a cab and determined to get the last word yelled in ‘hope you don’t think of me naked this evening’ and shit the door. Again, git!

I wanted to see him again. So when he suggested we meet I agreed. However, when I suggested I went to his I was told there was a disclaimer to going to his but he could only tell me in person….wtf!

I asked if it was a secret wife, child, parents s&m dungeon? He said he did indeed have all of those things but none were the disclaimer. So we agreed to meet at mine instead and he would tell me.

It turned out, I have slept with his flatmate. Thanks Tinder. I have hardly slept with any dates, but of one of the very few I have, would have to be his housemate. To make matters worse, it would also have to be one of the few one night stands where the booze took over and it all got a bit—50 shades! Argh!!!!!! I went 50 shades of red.

So lesson learned. If you are picky enough to only date boys within a 5mile radius- at some point, they will catch up with you!

Date #4 – Mr Military

I was very excited by this date. I am a sucker for an American accent and this guy was not only American but in the Military and his hometown was North Carolina where my favourite TV series of all time Dawsons Creek was filmed. Cue my immediate thoughts of sitting on a porch swing over the creek laughing over a glass of wine how we met on the internet. (yes I admit I let my little mind wander into fantasy world ok!)

However, by the time this date came up, I was 3 dates in one week down. My enthusiasm for 24 dates was waning and frankly I ended up complaining to my housemate that all I wanted was the sofa, my PJs and some mindless film. But I made a commitment so off I went to meet mr military.

As a change to my recent toyboy antics, this guy was actually older than me- ok by 12months but hey that’s progress for me! I have never understood the interest in older men. They die first naturally anyway so why hedge your bets that they definitely will and you will end up an old widow surrounded by cats and memories. To be honest I would actually probably be the granny chasing hot young care assistants down the halls in my wheelchair asking for a sponge bath !

Anyway, Mr Military arrives and sits down- no mention of getting a drink, this is not off to a good start! He looks so much older than 36- nearer 40 and has the eyes of a man who has probably seen things most humans shouldn’t. I resist the urge to open the conversation as my housemate suggested, with ‘so have you ever killed anyone’. I felt his eyes answered that question.

He was polite, but intense. I immediately felt uncomfortable and like I was being interrogated. First question- so have you ever been married and do you have kids! After 25 mins of answering questions as though my life depended on it I suggested a drink. Fortuantely for both of us he agreed.

After a glass of wine or two he softened and we chatted about well, me. Now don’t get me wrong, anyone who knows me knows I can a) talk for England and b) am an open book and I over share.

So I had no issue in disclosing anything he asked. However, the whole date felt hugely one sided. Everytime I tried to flip the topics back to him he was either negative ‘ doesn’t like his job, doesn’t believe in marriage – turns out he is divorced – travel is dull now etc etc. It was an uphill struggle which only Merlot was getting me through.

All I could get out of him about his job was he was special forces and his job was essentially covertly tracking the bad guys and getting intel. I understand why he couldn’t share more and that kind of job is so all encompassing that your job is your life so it doesn’t give much scope for anecdotes ‘ hey there was this one time we tracked that terrorist and he a hilarious joke about ISIS’ nah not gonna happen. I got it.

So we said our goodbyes- so kisses, just a formal hug (frankly I wouldn’t have been surprised if he didn’t shake my hand) . To give him his dues, he clearly had a good time as asked for a second date the very next day. I politely declined.